unHappily Ever After…

One of my biggest issues with marriage counseling is that most couples wait too long to seek help. At times, it seems as though they have already decided to end their relationship and are hoping for a miracle to save their marriage. Although God is in the business of miracles, we shouldn’t let things spiral so out of control that we need a divine intervention in order to restore our families. The earlier in the process a couple seeks help the easier it is to correct the course of the relationship.

For the singles out there, let me state this clearly: Who you marry one of the most important decisions you will ever make. Most times, while I counsel couples, I can see that a lot of problems stem from making a wrong choice as to who they married. Forming a life together, with children, usually exacerbate their mistake!

Here are just some quick thoughts in regards to choosing the right person:

#1- Marry for love.

It sounds obvious, but I’ve encountered so many people who got married because “it was just their time” or “I think he will provide for me so well.” In essence, when you marry for anything other than love, you run the risk of disconnecting with your partner.

And love is more than just a feeling! When you love (and are loved), you are able to do and receive the following—from 1 Corinthians 13:4-7:

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

#2- Marry the person and not your expectation of the person.

Here is another obvious sounding suggestion. However, I’ve seen many (especially women) marry someone because of their potential, position, or personality. They believe more in their image of the person than who the person really is. And when you live with someone, their flaws are magnified!

Sometimes, one just needs to be pragmatic when approaching matters of the heart. Evaluation is key in determining whether you have found a soul mate or a pretender. This is why the phrase “fools rush in” is so apt when discussing marriage! Take your time and ask yourself, “Is this the person that God created perfectly for me?” NEVER SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS!!!

#3- Be the person who God wants you to be.

Understand that sometimes we desire much in another person, yet do little in our own right to deserve them. For example, some desire a hard working, loving, funny, charming, tenderhearted person when they are ambivalent, cold, selfish, lazy, and passionless. In short, you must strive to be the very best person God has called you to be in order to have the very best God wants you to have.

In my experience, I’ve known people who are drowning in their relationships because as one struggles to support the family, the other refuses to support or help, languishing in mediocrity. There are others who live in sexless marriages because their partners refuse to contribute to the wellbeing of the relationship, instead allowing their lives to be awash in selfishness. Others struggle to raise children as if they were single parents, while their spouses occupy themselves with activities that do not uplift or enhance their marriages. All of these are examples of persons who are not striving to be the very best person God has called them to be.

It takes two great people to have a great marriage! Strive to be the best you can be and marry someone who is striving to be the very best they can be.

And lastly…

Pray for your future spouse. Even if you don’t know them, pray for them NOW! Bless them, cover them, and prepare yourself for them. Sometimes, God answers our prayers right away, and some people find that perfect person through a divine serendipity. Other times, God delays in order to provide that perfect opportunity. In either case, God is faithful, he wants you to be happy, and never EVER despair…

It’s better to wait on God than to suffer through a horrible marriage!


  • LSC

    This is good! It’s better wait 🙂

    • Pastor Phil

      Yes, you better!